MetsFail

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So I get an email from the people over at Mets.com enthusiastically recommending that I go see the Mets play the Phillies.  In Philadelphia.  Behold:

"Come for the embarrasment; stay for the shanking by a toothless Pennsylvanian"

I understand that the parties involved (the Mets and Phils) likely agreed to do some sort of cross-promotion to take advantage of this historic, generational 3 1/2 year rivalry, although I can’t confirm if the Phils sent out a similar promo imploring fans to head to Citi this year.  I also understand that this type of promo can be construed to seem like the Mets are encourging fans to travel to away games an increase their road presence for the benefit of the team.  Besides, Citizens Bank Park is a pretty nice place to catch a game.

But in the end, the Phils and their fans stand to benefit from this, and I don’t even mean monetarily (which they surely would, what with the concessions and parking and what have you).  The Phils have understandably been selling out most games over the last couple of years thanks to a post-9/07 case of RedSoxFan-itis, and it’s doubtful the Mets fans in attendance will do that much for the team.  Visiting fans will simply be submitting themselves to inbred mongoloids who knew nothing of their Phightin’ Phils before a couple of years ago, and who won’t be insulted if you point out the 1988 hairdos and inexplicable hardon they get at the mere mention of a local fictional boxing character.  And, let’s face it, there’s a good chance the game you’re gonna go see is gonna be a losing one. 

I’m giving this whole endeavour a MetsFAIL Projection Factor (MFPF) of 89%.

Jo-se’s okay-okay-okay! Jo-se’s, o-kay!  Right?  Right??  Recap:
-   Thursday, March 4: Joey Kings is conspicuously absent from the lineup when the Mets are set to start their third game of the exhibition schedule.  The team later reveals he just needs to see the doc for a routine follow-up to his physical.  Mets Nation collectively clears its throat, squirms in its chair.
-   Friday, March 5: Reyes is scratched again from the lineup, this time even closer to gametime.  He was even out on the field doing his pre-game stretches.  A bead of sweat forms on Mets Nation’s temple, hand wringing ensues.  A short while later, Omar and Jose address the media to reveal that a potential thyroid imbalance was found as a result of Reyes’ tests.  Kicker one:  the Florida doctors who detected the condition cleared Reyes to play that day; the New York doctors, however, suggested that he be shut down immediately and flown to New York to undergo further testing immediately.   Po-tay-toes, po-tah-toes.  Kicker two:  ‘Immediately’ apparently meant 2 1/2 days later.
-   Weekend of Friday, March 5 to Sunday, March 7:  Google servers melt at the overload of searches done on ‘thyroid imbalance.’  WebMD again validates why people trust a webpage more than a live, human doctor.  Internet and talk radio gets to work doing what it does best, declaring that Jose’s thyroid issue is obviously a side effect of the HGH Dr. Galea pumped into him last summer.  Jose was spotted in camp growing a third leg.  Funeral arangements are being made.  The dust settles to reveal that most thyroid issues are common, treatable, and easily manageable.
-   Monday, March 8:  The two days of cramming the team doctors were given in preparation for Reyes’ tests are over.  Mets Nation holds its breath.
-   Tuesday, March 9:  Mets Nation exhales, unable to not breathe without risking permanent brain damage.  The test results are received and the Mets issue a statement saying that Jose has hyperthyroidism.  More tests are needed to determine his treatment.

Great success!  The Mets seemingly handled a medical issue pertaining to a key player in a timely, open fashion.  Bloggers, radio show callers, even your grandmother continue to insist that thyroid issues are no big deal.  Opening Day is still 3+ weeks away, plenty of time for Reyes to make up for lost time.  Hey, maybe a few days off will save his legs down the stretch.

But wait, there’s more!  Our main man Jose Reyes spoke to ESPN Deportes shortly after the Mets released their statement, essentially refuting what the team released.  Just a little inflammation in the gullet, Jose says.  No medicine, no stinkin’ thyroid problem is what the doctors told him.

Cue the scratching record.  Something obviously doesn’t add up.  Was the initial blood test botched?  Is there some sort of cover-up?  How on earth does the team issue a statement verifying that Jose’s got a thyroid issue just to have Reyes say the exact opposite?  This story will need some time to develop, but we can’t wait for the eventual “statement clarification” and the fallout from Kneegate II, or Thyroidapalooza.

A recent report from the Miami Herald revealed that beloved Mets 2B Luis Castillo spent much of this past winter tutoring fellow Dominican Emilio Bonifacio of the Florida Marlins.  Bonifacio, Final Fantasy Baseball geeks fans might remember, shot out of the gate last April as a fantasy darling as the Fish’s speedy leadoff hitter and third baseman.  He fell back to earth before the the month was through and eventually settled into a utility role.  Bonifacio sought out Castillo’s tutelage on all things small ball in order to increase his appeal as a super-sub for the team.

Forgive me, Omar, for I have sinned

At first blush we thought this would make for standard MetsFAIL material – the word traitor came to mind.  Maybe Castillo resented the constant trade rumors over the winter and decided to focus his time and energy helping a divisional rival.  But when you give it some thought, you realize that these tutoring sessions weren’t exactly the baseball equivalent of Socrates schooling Plato.  Hanley Ramirez picking Albert Pujols’ brain on hitting in the 3-hole?  That’s a conversation you imagine to be fruitful.  But Castillo talking speed?  The word sabotage seems more appropriate.

Hopefully, these offseason sessions do make Bonifacio more like Castillo.  If Bonifacio comes into the season ready to slap singles, nonchalantly lob balls flat-footed to first base, and lay down bunts when it doesn’t make sense to, then hey, by all means let school remain in session.  Castillo might provide more value to the Mets than we think after all.